things that i should forget!

for the records i havent been alone at all on those last 2 days... i've been hanging out with friends, but not my friends friends.. first was with one of my classmates and then with a friend of my roommates..
both days was really great cuz i learned new things and had fun a lot and talking about everything feels really gd... openly.. even though he was there, unfortunately.... my thoughts for him still there.. dont go away yet.. is that real love or obssession?? friday evening going back to home i saw sth so beautiful and pure that i didnt see in months... was his smile... his beautiful and cute smile.... he was happy laughing with his friends, he was forgeting and go on with his life how he said he was gonna do.. i felt so proud and happy for him... ohhh god i was so so damn happy for him when i saw him in that way.. i know he still avoiding me and i dont blame him... so now.. i guess its time for me to do the same thing... enjoying my life with my friends... have fun.. but wait.. hoold on.. i have friends????? ohh yah.. i guess i have them but sometimes they forget to call me or to invite me to their "parties" or whenever they open their mouth, they just do it cuz i talk with them first... great.. i love my friends... its like when i most need them they leave me so bad on the corner watching me struggling with myself without caring at all and then they say its me who dont care... i hate to say it in this way but it seems like i walked awaay from my friends when i moved out here... i feel more alone and separed than before, even when right now i have the best room ever cuz its all decorated to my style and represent truly what i am... but its not enough... i need my friends i need to share this space with someone else but me.. and its so sad when i look around and i find no one else there... its such a crappy feeling cuz in this moment of my life i need ppl around me.. but i dont wanna go out on the street with a lable on my chest saying "can u talk to me, plz" and recently its what i'v been doing and as far as i remember that was the reason i decided to go on a date that day with him too...(our first date)

i really dont know if that guy its the guy.. its the right one for me or my real love... i really dont know and either know what is waiting us on the future, but im so damn sure that if i get the change once to go back on time and change some decision of what've done wrong in my life i would definitely do it without hesitation..

i feel sth really big for him and whenever i see his pics, or i handle that teddy lion he gave me or my bracelet ohh god.. i guess he god just know how i do feel about him...

its not fair to cry all the time when i hold that teddy lion.. there are some pic about us saved on my network that i only can see them but i havent seen them since we broke up, its not the time yet... our last day together... that fantastic day when i gave him the best night he has ever had with me... i gave him my soul that day.. different with the other days that we were like competing for who was better at bed, that day i set me free and feel it all... ohh god.. i wanna go back on time and tell him " hey im not fine baby, help me plz and dont let me go!!!" "im not mad at u but me!!! help me go through this... dont leave me plz... but ... everybody knows what happened and besides was my fault.. i was the one who failed and not him.. so i need to pay isnt it???..

i feel so guilty and ashamed about me all the time... and even when i forgave me for what i did it wasnt enough yet to let it go and get over... its been said that time heals everything ... but how long is gonna take me this??? another 2 years???? or maybe this time for be more longer relationship that the others 4 or 5 years????
come on!!! i gotta stop this and love me a little bit more

yesterday i talked with my parents.. was a gd talk by the way in a while... i was honest with them in all sense and even with my real feeling sth i dont usually talk with them.... and they told me to be more self confidence with me... and my mom said she was sorry for not has giving me enough support when i was there.. in the moment when i most needed it...

D told me once her mom didnt do that either.. but she is so damn strong than me... his words and the way she feels about her... its like totally opposite of what i feel about me.. im insecure and i have no confidence at all.. thats why im all the time shy and introvertive and so damn insecure when i have to take a decision or give a movement or even walk on the street.... and the worst part is that i should talk with myself gd things as i used to do it years ago, but lately its been kinda hard to say to myself "im gonna do great" or "u are hot baby, go on" or "dont be afraid to walk there or go there... no one will bite me at the end.. so theres nothing to be afraid of..

but geee i wish i could gain that from my friends.. helping me to pushing my back to the front a lil bit.. it doesnt mean i cant do it by my own, but it takes me more time... til i found out inside myself my inner strengh...

i wanna have real friends next to me and they to be here with me supporting me, helping me with a hand to go out for that black hole, but its a dream.. everyday its a death and unreal dream.. i walk alone on this earth like i've been doing this for 22 years old and i know there are other ppl in this world like me, so keep going and do not stuck baby!!!

i cannot stuck anymore.. i gonna stand up and walk and walk till i find the horizon ....

but sth i cant not get over yet its the fack he didnt believe in me and neither my parents when i used to talk about my dream with them... its hardd sooo hard when the ppl u love, ur lover and ur parents just dont believe in u... and kick the asses of those persons ok.. its fine but the feeling its just different from do it to anybody u hate ur wanna prove sth...

one of the reason i write its cuz there are things i think and i cannot say it a loud.. if someone cares about me well, read this and do not jugde me without knowing the whole story...

i know i write a lot of irrelevant things over here, absurd things, silly things.. but i also write thing that matter a lot for me and i do care a lot..and i worry about them too... so i guess it may be understood in first place

and writing in english also reduse and select ppl who can read this so i have no problem later.. cuz not all ppl understand and get what i write and in the way im trying to say it.. so .. just be understanding..

and talking about disguise and using mask now. i truly believe that all of us once in the moment of our lifes wear a mask in order to be strong and grow up.. its not just the fact to hide sth or lying or impressing someone ... we all know why we do it and when to do it, but hey not for doing it means u stop being what u are.. thats different...

for years i been using that iron mask of a strong and secure girl that can have it all and get what i want in any moment but the true is that theres more than that behind that fact... pretending to be strong its ok and actually the right thing to do, but sometimes in our life that mask feel down and u gotta be fast to put it back cuz believe meeeeee no one wanna see or talk with a loser or with a depress and pathetic person... cuz they wont understand it's just a moment of ur life, they will think its what u are and they are so damn wrong...

ppl like to hear gd things disguising into a bad things.. lol even when ur life sucks u gotta show to the world u are strong enough to stand ur hell ass up to the crap and kick their asses and show that u are better than this and what ? its all u got to turn me down??? like come on... alwaysss alwayssss its important to think that in the world theres ppl suffering for big damn shit than ours....

i cant let him see me bad anymore.... i gotta use my mask right away!!!! stop this... give up on this and show him im much better than him and i can go through this aloneeee!!!! without helping at all!!!!!! imagine that someone in the world is facing a motherfucker problem and mine is nothing compared with his... so. yah..

i can with this... but we all know of course sth inside us start changing that day we decide to do it.... sth strong and cold start growing up inside us.. and thats my big problem... all the time im suffering for sth big, yeah i got it over cuz the consequence of it, its my own armor get more strong and resistent and like the iron.. and it is good and not ... good cuz that protect me from the world and bad cuz whenever someone wanna get close to me i will send them far away from me... away from me lil by lil without being conscious and later when i figure out its too late to go back...

what the hell... i hate to be me... this my "world" could be more easy to understand, to face, to handle!!! things will be more easier especialy for the ppl around me...

talking about sth different, my debts still growing up everyday!!! now its two banks with big amont and 4 ppl i owe money..

aww!!!!! ive never ever thought to end this way... yesterday my credic cart was blocked out.... i was in the supermarket and it didnt pass... it was so damn embarrased that i donno when im going back to that place again.. i gotta ask my friend's bf to pay for me or owe me money for my buys...

omg.. what am i now?????? i feel so ashame for myself.. i feel so damn bad... dissapointeeedddd with meeee!!!!!!!! its awful and i wont ask for money to my parents... i will resolve this, i know.. when ???? i donno yet.. and i still owing the 60 dollars from my cousin for my portuguese course... awww... i suck... i do suck so much!

i wanna write sth different about me once but i donno whens gonna be that... and dont know either if better days are coming or its just the begining of a crappy big nightmare....

im not scared but curious .. but by feeling curious i dont mean to burn myself alive... i just need to trust myself that things will get better once and not wait for that day to come up, just live my life.. its all i can do know...