my brain still playing with my head

i couldnt give my test.. i couldnt study... i couldnt even wake up... maybe its all indiscipline and lazyness but its not ok... i cant hear my classes, i dont have interest on them... i dont care anymore in nothing but my paintings... i feel great when i paint, when i create sth, even no one its watching them to tell me how it looks, it doesnt matter cuz when i paint i dont think in nothing at all but what im doing and how should i improve it... i wish i could change my course.. i wanna do arts... i like it, and i always did and im good on it! i rock on it!!! cuz i do it with all i have!

yesterday i almost lose the bus once again, but not... the bus stopped and i could get in.. i was fine and not nervous for first time, i wasnt worry if he was there or not.. i needed to get to my class.. and fuck him if he was there.. but yeah when i got in i didnt see him or hear him, but while the bus was almost there, kinda, i heard sth i knew, his voice and holy, i stupify and freaked out in a rush!!! i got frozen for some seconds and then i realized i couldnt do anything at all but stayed there and calm down and wait till i get to my stop... damned again... not even with drugs i stop that crap...

i hate him.. but i still love him so much... and i dont even know why... lol thats sounds silly buts true, now that i understook what really happened in the US and why i did it, things got clear on my head but it wont change anything so as my friend D say i must go on... let him go and maybe wait til the gd time come up.. if it comes up...

im not gonna stop skoopying on his page for a while... come on, i can do it!... strength, remember?

on the other hand my hair keep falling.. grrr!!! like this im gonna end bald.. lol..

hmmm whats envy? whenever u start feeling hatred for ppl who are happy or they pretend to pass that to the others... or when they have sth that u want: friends... fuck them... i hate them so much, i wanna stole themselve but even though i do it, i will never be like them, but just for feeling it for some minutes or seconds till the person who is in front of me find out the person who he's talking its fake...

i need to write to the world... i cant hide myself anymore... cuz i need to let ppl know who do i feel.. i cant hide me... i need to scream it a loud even im not doing it literally somehow im doing in this way... the only thing i wont do here its too write down my deepest fears and my top secrets shits... it wont be like the last time.. wont happen again...