why?

why do i need to have those days when im fine when im bad, when im so pissed off when i miss him more and so on and so forth... i almost cry today talking about him again.. damned im so damn weak, and my best friend is in the hospital.. i hate so much boys.. i hate them, yah i keep my thought when i was a teeneger cuz its true.... why is it too hard for them to understand when we screw up???? why whenever they made crap to us we gotta forgive as nothing ever happened and when we do sth they throw us away as if we were nothing at all!!!! fuck them!!! im gonna turn lesbian... i wana turn lesbian... i quit men... i hate them so much! and now with the example of D's bf i see why i hate them so much!!!!! they are soooo practical!!! ohh yess... whenever they want sth they gotta have it or they make anything to get it, expecially sex even when we dont want it... or they dont even think a lil bit or feel when we really want it and when we just do it for satisfy them... i cant believe they are sooooo damn bliiinddd and we are so damn stupid that we keep being with them after all... u know why???? cuz we think in hope!!! cuz we have faith that one day thats gonna change and they are gonna think and act with their heart too and with their feelings.. but not with their hormons..

fucking hormons.. then u ur fuckin hand whenever they want sex and dont pissed us off!!!!! buggers!

i cant believe im crying a river for him... i cant believe it i still think in him and i still have feelings for him...

i hate to be a girl... i should have been a bird... or i donno.. a lion ... i hate to be human... i hate me so much!!! and to be honest i donno if i will survive till the end of the year, i hope to stay alive but we never known...

im so tired! and i wanna eat fruit..

El dia de hoy

Me encuentro en una situacion de desvio una vez mas, llegue en casa con un espíritu bueno, amigable y optimista sobre las cosas, y me encuentro con dos sorpresas, un perrito y una salida de casa en un par de meses. No es lo q me esperaba, la verdad solo quería pasar un buen tiempo con las personas d mi casa, contarles sobre mi pequeño viaje y ver cosas sobre la casa, claro utopías siempre pq siempre quedan en pensamientos y nada concreto y por el perro no me hago misterio me encanta, pero no es de la casa sino del holandés.. y sobre la casa, arregle un cuarto solo para mi, mi espacio, mi cueva que será mia por solo uns meses mas, antes del mes de diciembre donde tendre q mudarme por 3 vez en dos anos, bueno D me bate el record.

En fin, si estaba para arriba hace uns minutos ahora estoy en estado medio donde no se si va para bajo o se queda en stand by. No me gusta mucho la casa, pero si me gusta mi cueva, pues la decore a mi estilo aunq no tenga ventana se q no iba durar mucho pero igual, no esperaba salir tan rapido. dos meses para descubrir donde vivir de nuevo… y el lugar me encanta!!! Tene super hasta tarde, lugar para correr, lugar para hacer natación, es re tranquilo pero un ass para coger los onibus de la universidad… pero me iba adaptar con el tiempo, ahora donde buscar??? por donde comezar???? donde ire parar?? Quienes serán mis nuevos vecinos?? Mis nuevos companheros de casa??? O de cuarto??? Muchas perguntas.. y seguire en este barrio???? Mas lejos, mas cerca??? donde???? donde????? Mi cabeza no deja de pensar en donde mas me voy a dejar llevar… si solo lo tuviera a mi lado para que me ayudara a buscar. Si solo supiera como el esta??? Como va su vida??? Aparentemente parece todo bien, pero las apariencias siempre engañan.. y no se si me extraña o no… y no debo pensarlo, por mas q me muera por saber la respuesta… aparte necesito descubrir como ganarme la vida para el próximo ano, ya q no tendre bolsa mas.. no more money!!! Y sin money no podre hacer natación y depende de donde viviré el alugueo va subir, el próximo mes será una joda pq el holandés se va y el alugueo será dividido entre 3…

En donde me meti???? Pero no me quiero ahogar en un vaso con agua de nuevo.. dejare q las cosas lleguen pero moviéndome y no dejando que el tren me llevar.

Finalmente un problema mas resuelto, la visa! Ya no soy mas ilegal, ahora tengo todo conforme! Casi todo! Aun falta enviar todos esos docs para Brasilia q lo hare mañana y también falta el… que me hable de nuevo.. lo mas difícil.. el problema q donde no hay como arreglar pq ivolugra una persona…. Personas???? Como las odio!!!! Como las odio!!!! Quien me conoce de verdad sabe lo q digo! En si solo D sabe lo q significa pq ni manito sabe como es eso.. y me diría q estoy idiota tbm…

Los problemas… quien diría q saldría de ellos? Pero mencione antes q el me miro el viernes por la noche cuando caminaba con D por la Osorio para solucionar su arreglo de casa? Quien diría q el pasaria… y q se quedaría mirando de forma curiosa y talvez algo avergonzado a ver a su ex namorada que la detesta tanto con una amiga de ella q el jamas escucho hablar o vio por fotos. Pero fue un paso, me vio, escucho y no paso de largo.. las aguas van bajando, debería de agradecer??? Quedarme super feliz por el primer paso del león? Si, me quede reee reee feliz y solo D estaba ai para ver mi felicidad y entenderla… y el paso de largo luego y continuo su camino, próximo paso es el “Oi” si lo veo de nuevo, pero pensándolo bien… acaso el creador del universo me hara ese favor????? “fierita” me haras ese favor???? Quieres darme una oportunidad mas con el??? O eso fue solo para me tranquilizar? Pq hiciste eso??? Sabes q no dejo de pensar en el, todos los días a toda hora mis pensamientos están con el, hasta cuando pinto que debería de estar mas consentrada en mi nueva creación pero no, el esta ai, en misma dimensión.. pq lo hiciste??? Que quieres con eso? Que esperas que haga con eso??? Nos quieres dar una oportunidad??? Tu crees q la meresco???? Después de lo q hice y como lo trate?? Crees q me meresco eso????? No se si valgo la pena, “fierita” no lo se… lo amo tanto y lo quiero de forma infinita pero yo, yo y mi otro yo, como lidio con eso, como el va lidiar de nuevo con eso??? El solo quería una persona al lado por un tiempo y no una esposa o algo mas fuerte como companera, fui yo la debil una vez mas… q hice q el se alejara de mi y yo lo supe botar también….

Esa idea de que hubiera pasado si el no hubiera leído eso ese dia???? Que hubiera pasado?? Estaríamos juntos??? El me hubiera soportado todos esos meses difíciles que pasaron???? El realmente me amo???? Poq para una mujer es tan importante saber sobre eso? Si es amada, querida de verdad, con alma corazón y vida.. como la canción de mi país.. pq es tan importante los por ques y no los hechos… los cerebros de las mujeres definitivamente son diferentes a los de un hombre.. y una vez mas… hablando de la misma cosa… por que ahora??? Por que ahora q lo perdi o que ja no esta conmigo vengo con tanto drama???? Si dejara un poco ese drama y me preocupara en lo q hare de aquí a uns minutos las cosas seria mejor… mi vida seria mejor pero también no es la solución, apartar las cosas del pasado para solo viver el presente??? Parece practico e inteligente, mas necesita de un poco de pasado para encantar el presente y saber como llevar el futuro…

Pero no me preocupare en eso.. trate de viver mi presente con el y paso lo q tenia q pasar (por algún motivo X)

OK Blacktear, q hare ahora? Y quien esta leyendo mi blog.. una entrada por dia de una misma pagina… alguien del Brasil entra… será el??? Nah… no me hare ilusiones falsas… mejor quedarme asi.. necesito centrar cabeza por un tiempo… y continuar con el psiquiatra.. mañana hablare sobre mi egoísmo y sobre “el abandono” y como me siento al respecto...

Y quien sea q seas, espero q si lees estas mierdas sepas interpretarme y no criticarme de forma negativa..

Schush!

everything will be fine at the end!

im so happpy so damn happy right now!!! after lot of month of dreadful moments.. sth gd happened!... and i thanked him for that! (MT), however i wont take it for granted, and i will just keep going as nothing really happened...

Tomorrow im gonna do a small trip to Uruguai in order to put in order my visa situation.. i wish i could have more days but i have a test on monday though, so i gotta come back right away...

thank u so much god for ur blessed moment!!!!!! really thank u so so much!!! i feel so happy now and i feel alive!!!!! ALIVEEEE!!! which is more important than anything...

now i got new opportunities in life and i wont let them go as before, things are getting better huh... i wanna be better in all now.. improve myself and stop doing some others things... except taking care of me, though... i donno how to do that besides i love adventures and risky stuff.. makes me so damn excited!!! anyways.. i wanna go to the oktober fest with B and M and whoever else who wanna come with us and go to the zombie walk with D as well... yah... two different things with different ppl, i love my friends so bad and i wanna do those things together! thats what we got them for.. to have fun!!!! and enjoy, isnt it?!!!

well, all i needa have right now its confidence... some drinks of confidence and all will be fine at the end... CONFIDENCE, remember?

i am always gonna love u baby!

MT i do love u so so sooo much u know why? cuz u were my first one love for truly... the first one who i fell in love with and i was corresponded as well, cuz deeply inside me i've never ever thought that could have happened once, i thought i was gonna be alone forever and that love wasnt for me to feeel, but u came up and show me that i was wrong, all we lived for me was like a dream or a fantasy that i hated to think that one day i was gonna wake up, and at the end i did indeed, cuz even though it took few months, lets say a small period of our lifes, for me was like being in heaven, cuz i was so happy, i was feeling me so damn great how i've never felt before... so dont be stupid to think cuz that thing happened i never loved u cuz just god knows or whatever god is or a powerful force is how much i do love u and how i felt when i was with u...and u cannot imagine, cuz for me wasnt just sharing u things, or giving us love, it was more than that, my soul and my heart that i was giving and sharing with you, thats really strong and poweful and what some ppl called love, though..... and im so sorry cuz i screwed it in the worse way ever... but one day u will realize how it really was...and if u dont then its cuz we were just ppl who got together for a moment of our lifes and share things, sex and thats all... and for me that is not what i meant when i was with u... so it's different from my before relationships... besides my heart its yours and always will be there for u.. but its fine if our paths get separed for a while.. if we are meant to be together then we are gonna be one day again on the future otherwise my first love will always gonna have one part of my heart forever!!! ok... do u got it? forever.. theres not way to forget that.. then means it wasnt real love if we do forget it once..

things that i should forget!

for the records i havent been alone at all on those last 2 days... i've been hanging out with friends, but not my friends friends.. first was with one of my classmates and then with a friend of my roommates..
both days was really great cuz i learned new things and had fun a lot and talking about everything feels really gd... openly.. even though he was there, unfortunately.... my thoughts for him still there.. dont go away yet.. is that real love or obssession?? friday evening going back to home i saw sth so beautiful and pure that i didnt see in months... was his smile... his beautiful and cute smile.... he was happy laughing with his friends, he was forgeting and go on with his life how he said he was gonna do.. i felt so proud and happy for him... ohhh god i was so so damn happy for him when i saw him in that way.. i know he still avoiding me and i dont blame him... so now.. i guess its time for me to do the same thing... enjoying my life with my friends... have fun.. but wait.. hoold on.. i have friends????? ohh yah.. i guess i have them but sometimes they forget to call me or to invite me to their "parties" or whenever they open their mouth, they just do it cuz i talk with them first... great.. i love my friends... its like when i most need them they leave me so bad on the corner watching me struggling with myself without caring at all and then they say its me who dont care... i hate to say it in this way but it seems like i walked awaay from my friends when i moved out here... i feel more alone and separed than before, even when right now i have the best room ever cuz its all decorated to my style and represent truly what i am... but its not enough... i need my friends i need to share this space with someone else but me.. and its so sad when i look around and i find no one else there... its such a crappy feeling cuz in this moment of my life i need ppl around me.. but i dont wanna go out on the street with a lable on my chest saying "can u talk to me, plz" and recently its what i'v been doing and as far as i remember that was the reason i decided to go on a date that day with him too...(our first date)

i really dont know if that guy its the guy.. its the right one for me or my real love... i really dont know and either know what is waiting us on the future, but im so damn sure that if i get the change once to go back on time and change some decision of what've done wrong in my life i would definitely do it without hesitation..

i feel sth really big for him and whenever i see his pics, or i handle that teddy lion he gave me or my bracelet ohh god.. i guess he god just know how i do feel about him...

its not fair to cry all the time when i hold that teddy lion.. there are some pic about us saved on my network that i only can see them but i havent seen them since we broke up, its not the time yet... our last day together... that fantastic day when i gave him the best night he has ever had with me... i gave him my soul that day.. different with the other days that we were like competing for who was better at bed, that day i set me free and feel it all... ohh god.. i wanna go back on time and tell him " hey im not fine baby, help me plz and dont let me go!!!" "im not mad at u but me!!! help me go through this... dont leave me plz... but ... everybody knows what happened and besides was my fault.. i was the one who failed and not him.. so i need to pay isnt it???..

i feel so guilty and ashamed about me all the time... and even when i forgave me for what i did it wasnt enough yet to let it go and get over... its been said that time heals everything ... but how long is gonna take me this??? another 2 years???? or maybe this time for be more longer relationship that the others 4 or 5 years????
come on!!! i gotta stop this and love me a little bit more

yesterday i talked with my parents.. was a gd talk by the way in a while... i was honest with them in all sense and even with my real feeling sth i dont usually talk with them.... and they told me to be more self confidence with me... and my mom said she was sorry for not has giving me enough support when i was there.. in the moment when i most needed it...

D told me once her mom didnt do that either.. but she is so damn strong than me... his words and the way she feels about her... its like totally opposite of what i feel about me.. im insecure and i have no confidence at all.. thats why im all the time shy and introvertive and so damn insecure when i have to take a decision or give a movement or even walk on the street.... and the worst part is that i should talk with myself gd things as i used to do it years ago, but lately its been kinda hard to say to myself "im gonna do great" or "u are hot baby, go on" or "dont be afraid to walk there or go there... no one will bite me at the end.. so theres nothing to be afraid of..

but geee i wish i could gain that from my friends.. helping me to pushing my back to the front a lil bit.. it doesnt mean i cant do it by my own, but it takes me more time... til i found out inside myself my inner strengh...

i wanna have real friends next to me and they to be here with me supporting me, helping me with a hand to go out for that black hole, but its a dream.. everyday its a death and unreal dream.. i walk alone on this earth like i've been doing this for 22 years old and i know there are other ppl in this world like me, so keep going and do not stuck baby!!!

i cannot stuck anymore.. i gonna stand up and walk and walk till i find the horizon ....

but sth i cant not get over yet its the fack he didnt believe in me and neither my parents when i used to talk about my dream with them... its hardd sooo hard when the ppl u love, ur lover and ur parents just dont believe in u... and kick the asses of those persons ok.. its fine but the feeling its just different from do it to anybody u hate ur wanna prove sth...

one of the reason i write its cuz there are things i think and i cannot say it a loud.. if someone cares about me well, read this and do not jugde me without knowing the whole story...

i know i write a lot of irrelevant things over here, absurd things, silly things.. but i also write thing that matter a lot for me and i do care a lot..and i worry about them too... so i guess it may be understood in first place

and writing in english also reduse and select ppl who can read this so i have no problem later.. cuz not all ppl understand and get what i write and in the way im trying to say it.. so .. just be understanding..

and talking about disguise and using mask now. i truly believe that all of us once in the moment of our lifes wear a mask in order to be strong and grow up.. its not just the fact to hide sth or lying or impressing someone ... we all know why we do it and when to do it, but hey not for doing it means u stop being what u are.. thats different...

for years i been using that iron mask of a strong and secure girl that can have it all and get what i want in any moment but the true is that theres more than that behind that fact... pretending to be strong its ok and actually the right thing to do, but sometimes in our life that mask feel down and u gotta be fast to put it back cuz believe meeeeee no one wanna see or talk with a loser or with a depress and pathetic person... cuz they wont understand it's just a moment of ur life, they will think its what u are and they are so damn wrong...

ppl like to hear gd things disguising into a bad things.. lol even when ur life sucks u gotta show to the world u are strong enough to stand ur hell ass up to the crap and kick their asses and show that u are better than this and what ? its all u got to turn me down??? like come on... alwaysss alwayssss its important to think that in the world theres ppl suffering for big damn shit than ours....

i cant let him see me bad anymore.... i gotta use my mask right away!!!! stop this... give up on this and show him im much better than him and i can go through this aloneeee!!!! without helping at all!!!!!! imagine that someone in the world is facing a motherfucker problem and mine is nothing compared with his... so. yah..

i can with this... but we all know of course sth inside us start changing that day we decide to do it.... sth strong and cold start growing up inside us.. and thats my big problem... all the time im suffering for sth big, yeah i got it over cuz the consequence of it, its my own armor get more strong and resistent and like the iron.. and it is good and not ... good cuz that protect me from the world and bad cuz whenever someone wanna get close to me i will send them far away from me... away from me lil by lil without being conscious and later when i figure out its too late to go back...

what the hell... i hate to be me... this my "world" could be more easy to understand, to face, to handle!!! things will be more easier especialy for the ppl around me...

talking about sth different, my debts still growing up everyday!!! now its two banks with big amont and 4 ppl i owe money..

aww!!!!! ive never ever thought to end this way... yesterday my credic cart was blocked out.... i was in the supermarket and it didnt pass... it was so damn embarrased that i donno when im going back to that place again.. i gotta ask my friend's bf to pay for me or owe me money for my buys...

omg.. what am i now?????? i feel so ashame for myself.. i feel so damn bad... dissapointeeedddd with meeee!!!!!!!! its awful and i wont ask for money to my parents... i will resolve this, i know.. when ???? i donno yet.. and i still owing the 60 dollars from my cousin for my portuguese course... awww... i suck... i do suck so much!

i wanna write sth different about me once but i donno whens gonna be that... and dont know either if better days are coming or its just the begining of a crappy big nightmare....

im not scared but curious .. but by feeling curious i dont mean to burn myself alive... i just need to trust myself that things will get better once and not wait for that day to come up, just live my life.. its all i can do know...

thanks it means a lot T

i need to feel better, thats all im asking for...

i donno whats goin on.. but im so damn screw and i need not to pay attention on those things anymore but i donno how.. i need to focus on my univ again like before but right now i;m not able to do it... i donno less sleep, less paint, less walks, less Ru, less computer, less Tea, i need to be what i was 2 years ago.. when i was in UFRA, cuz i donno what i am now... the train will pass me over though and i will be done that day...

my brain still playing with my head

i couldnt give my test.. i couldnt study... i couldnt even wake up... maybe its all indiscipline and lazyness but its not ok... i cant hear my classes, i dont have interest on them... i dont care anymore in nothing but my paintings... i feel great when i paint, when i create sth, even no one its watching them to tell me how it looks, it doesnt matter cuz when i paint i dont think in nothing at all but what im doing and how should i improve it... i wish i could change my course.. i wanna do arts... i like it, and i always did and im good on it! i rock on it!!! cuz i do it with all i have!

yesterday i almost lose the bus once again, but not... the bus stopped and i could get in.. i was fine and not nervous for first time, i wasnt worry if he was there or not.. i needed to get to my class.. and fuck him if he was there.. but yeah when i got in i didnt see him or hear him, but while the bus was almost there, kinda, i heard sth i knew, his voice and holy, i stupify and freaked out in a rush!!! i got frozen for some seconds and then i realized i couldnt do anything at all but stayed there and calm down and wait till i get to my stop... damned again... not even with drugs i stop that crap...

i hate him.. but i still love him so much... and i dont even know why... lol thats sounds silly buts true, now that i understook what really happened in the US and why i did it, things got clear on my head but it wont change anything so as my friend D say i must go on... let him go and maybe wait til the gd time come up.. if it comes up...

im not gonna stop skoopying on his page for a while... come on, i can do it!... strength, remember?

on the other hand my hair keep falling.. grrr!!! like this im gonna end bald.. lol..

hmmm whats envy? whenever u start feeling hatred for ppl who are happy or they pretend to pass that to the others... or when they have sth that u want: friends... fuck them... i hate them so much, i wanna stole themselve but even though i do it, i will never be like them, but just for feeling it for some minutes or seconds till the person who is in front of me find out the person who he's talking its fake...

i need to write to the world... i cant hide myself anymore... cuz i need to let ppl know who do i feel.. i cant hide me... i need to scream it a loud even im not doing it literally somehow im doing in this way... the only thing i wont do here its too write down my deepest fears and my top secrets shits... it wont be like the last time.. wont happen again...

despues de una crisis nerviosa...

con un dolr inmenso de cabeza, ojos rojos y hinchados, mi rostro esta hinchado... temblando, cansada, con un pequenho dolor en mi brazo por los cortes, al menos siento el dolor ahora... despues de hablar con drina y con mi manito CP me siento algo mejor.. no q dejare de llorar en la noche pero si me tranquilizo un poco.. solo q me gustaria q alguien hubiera estado aqui... tengo miedo de publicar esto pq esta en espanhol y este es el idioma q mis padres entienden... o talvez no necesito publicarlo aqui... tengo mi otro blog.. le escribi al psiquiatra tbm.. y hasta ahora veo q no hay forma de como salir de esta... no quiero pensr mas en mi..

quiero olvidarme de mi... dejarme de lado, dejar todo de lado y solo preocuparme por mis estudios.. solo eso pues es eso lo unico q deveria importar..

no quiero nada con nadie, pero si necesito conocer mas personas.. salir del la cueva! necesito salir de aqui... sino aqui acabare.. pq no hay salida aqui dentro 4 paredes son 4 paredes y no deja salidas... si salgo de ellas hay un mundo por descubrir.. y por eso necesito sentirme segura para salir... y de donde saco esaa seguridad?? esa fuerza? ese motivo!???

necesito encontrarlo... necesito hacer natacion pq correr ou caminar de nada me ayuda ya... sola no saldre de esta... odio decirlo pero sola solo me terminare matando...

mi dolor d cabeza aun continuaa!!!! no quiero dormir pero es lo q necesito.. manana sera un nuevo dia y no estudie aun... y tengo pruebas.. tengo q aprovechar cada segundo manhana...

is that so much to ask for????????

i'm scared!!!!!! so much scared... and i hate so much to face my bloody demons all the time alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont need a lover!!!!!! i just NEED A FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I DONT WANT WHOMEVERR!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT HIM HIIIIIMMM BACK!!!!!!!!!!! JUST HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!1 HELLL THIS IS KILLING MEE!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO HEAR SOMEONEEEE!!!!!! I NEED JUST A HUUGG!!!! SOME KIND WORDS THAT THINGS WILL BE FINEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I HATE SOME MUCH THIS MOMENT!!! ALL THOSE MOMENTS!!!!!

I HATE HIM SO MUCH FOR NOT GIVING THE CHANGE JUST TO TALKLKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT NEED NOTHING ELSEE!!!!!! ITS THAT TOO HARD TO UNDERSTAND????????????????


WHYYYYY WHHYYYYYYYYYY????????????????????????????????????? I FUCKING HATE YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U JUST LEAVE ME IN THE WORSE MOMENT OF MY LIFEEEEE!!!!!!!!! AND IM SCAREDDD!!!!!!! I CANT EVEN SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT OFF!!!!!!

I WANNA MY TWO FRIENDS BACK!!!!!! CB AND MT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEEL BAD..... HELLO... CAN U READ THIS?????????? I NEED U.... I NEED SOMEONE CLOSE!!!!!!..... I WANNA BE FREE OF ALL THOSE THINGSSS!!!!! ALL THOSE DEMONS, FEARS, PAST!!!!!!

i wanna leave those things behind for real!!!!! those ppl.. are gonee... are out forever!!!!!!.... they got a life... and i have to respect it... i cant do anything cuz whatever i dit in the past to them wont change nothing if i try to talk to them.....

i wanna make that deal with god.. or may i say with the devil.... theres not way back....

im so sorry,... but i donno what to do..... and theres no one around... why theres no one i can count to????? why this lonesome???? i dont get it....

and nothing help me at all... not painting, or drawing, not therapy... not fucking nothing at all....

great... ppl are back in house... i dont feell nothing.... it doesnt even hurttt!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELLL??????????????????????!!!!!!!!

IM GONNA CUT MYSELF ALL OVER!!!!!!!! I HATE ME SO MUCH!!!!! MAYBE HE WILL NEVER TALK TO ME CUZ IM NOT WORTHY, IM SO DAMN UGLY, IM PATHETIC, SILLY, IDIOT! A FUCKIN BULLSHIT LIER!!!!!! IM WEAK AS HELL... AND PPL DONT LIKE THAT... WELL.. IM SORRY FOR EXISTING THEN.....


i dont wanna feel scared anymore... i hate so much this feeling... i feel like someone is watching me all the time, but when i watch around there's noone there... im still being the 17 years old girl scared of going out or to face the world.. just drowning on my world trying to reach the top... who used to trust an stranger canadian boy who offered me a hand without knowing what he was getting into... and another boy appear in my life 5 years later and he tried to built a relationship without any clue he was getting into... and when he found out he left me as fast as possible without caring any consequence at all and without giving any explanations...

my life sucks...

so im freaking GREAT how ppl wana me to say... and what else would that be?

well.. right now... its 10/9/11... and 6:27pm.. i havent eaten nothing yet.. or well the lil food i stole from another ppl on the refri.. and well.. no even know how the world is outside... maybe it was sunny today or not.. i donno... i just know some asshole its been calling me and not even talk to me when i spoke... and i hate it...

i havent cut myself in months but my thoughts of doing it continue up... and WHAT THE HELL WHAT U THINK... I DONT CARE NOTHING ANYMOREE!!!!!!

YESSS I CUT MYSELF FOR RELIEVING MY PAIN INSIDE MYSELF!!!! I WANNA KILL MYSELF EITHER CUZ I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH!!! AND CUZ IM ALL THE TIME LIKE THIS... FORSAKEN, FORGOTTEN, UNWANTED, UNWORTHY, UNHAPPY, CANT GET IT OVER, CANT FORGET IT, ALONE... LONESOME... MISSUNDERSTAND

WHY TO BE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME?????? WELLL I SHOULD DO STH.. BESIDES WRITTING ALL THE TIME.. AND FOR WHOM IM WRITTING FOR????? I DONT EVEN KNOW.. MAYBE FOR ANOTEHR CB TO READ IT AND HELP ME, BUT HE WAS HE AND NOONE CAN TAKE HIS PLACE...

AND IM NOT CRYING ANYMORE.. NOT LIKE YESTERDAY AT NIGHT I COUDNT HOLD MY BREATH AND I HAD TO CRY IT OUT...

I FELT BAD, I FELT ALONE AND LIKE NOTHING ITS REALLY WORTHY AT ALL... ALL I DO ITS NEVER ENOUGH SO I GOTTA FACE MY DEMONS ONCE AGAIN ALONE....

MY SILLY DEMONS THAT TORTURE ME SO MUCH AND CANT GET THEM OUT OF ME... I WANNA GET RID OF THEM AND SET ME FREE!!!! BE FREE FOR ONCE!!!!

LIKE YESTERDAY I WAS THINKING IN GOING TO THE WOODS AND RUN SO MUCH, ENDLESS AND SCREAM EVERYTHING OUT AND KEEP RUNNING AND THEN I WANNA FEEL BETTER... IS REALLY THAT GONNA HELP AT ALL???? I DONNO...

I DONNO WHAT REALLY IS GONNA HELP ME AT ALL!!!! NOTHING FOR REAL HELPS ME... NOT EVEN PAINTING... NOT EVEN TALKING TO PPL.. CUZ ALL THOSE THINGS ARE FOR MOMENTS, PERIODS.. BUT AFTER THAT ALL CONTINUES THE SAME CRAPPY THING... LIKE WHEN I USED TO TALK TO CB HE WAS MY BEST MEDICINE BUT WHEN I DIDNT TALK TO HIM I FELT AS SHIT AND I WANTED TO DIE... I FELT THAT NOONE CAN UNDERSTAND ME LIKE HE USED TO...

HE IS GONEEEE!!!!! HE IS DEAD!!!!!!!!! AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OVER AFTER 3 YEARS OF ABSENCE! SO NOW ITS MT.. HE IS THE KINDA NEW CB.. BUT OF COURSE NOT... KINDA THATS WHY...

AND I GOTTA TAKE A SHOWER AFTER THIS SONG CUZ I WANNA EAT STH AND I HAVE NO MONEY FOR BUYING STH THIS TIME...

WOW.. HEARING PARAMORE ITS BEEN A HUGE WHILE... I DONT EVEN LIKE SO MUCH THE BAND BUT THEY HAVE NICE SONGS, THOUGH...