fake dreams falling apart...

finally after some months i know he wasnt the guy.. the special guy i thought in my mind he was.. he was just one beloved guy i met and i fell in love and thats it... but what im try to point out is that he aint the "right one"... i've been so awful, dissapointed and angry for what i did, with myself cuz even that the things happened for a reason i still thinking was me and that was all my fault who took him apart to this situations, i set him apart with what i did... and wasnt just that cheating fact, was much more other things happening that i coudnt explain, but now i get it... i get it... first my keys lost, the peppers shit and now my beautiful bracelet.... i cant believe all the memories and amazing things we lived together are gonna end in that way, shatter one day and fade away.... i dont like it, but i have to accept it...

and i have to live with the fact maybe we will never gonna talk again or be friends... thats really tough actually, but its ok.. i can do this.. i know.. i just need to go back to be what i was before i met him..

im wanna go back to be that strong gd girl i was in the past.. i know sound silly, but i need to live my life without emotions anymore.. in the recently months i've been living so bad and closed minded for everything around me, sth i hate to be.. cant live on my emotions... i need to let them go..

i had a tough conversation with my "brother D." (manito) and he said a lot ot things that makes senses and on one of our last conversations i had with MT he said them too...

so i know whats wrong with me.. im awared of it, but i juts dont let it go... i need to leave my past behind and live my present... everyday its a new day and depend on me how i wanna live it and what prespective i wanna put it on... so if i have a bad day for any odd reason i have to picture my mind that its ok... everybody has days like that.... even worse than i have... so im gonna try to draw down a different face over that things and accept some facts.. not all of course... but the normal things, at least...

i do know how to separate situations... so.. lets start... lets the game started... cuz i dont wanna kill myself and i dont wanna live on darkness cuz i choose that option... i put that on my mind and now i have to change it... it doesnt matter how i see my life but how i live it!!....

and i dont wanna waste my days and then regret anymore for what i lost anymore.

lets write a new page... not more MT, no more sad things, no dead!!!!! MORE CONFIDENCE instead, thats the clue...

every rose has a torn like every mother a daughter

Mom finally heard my voice after more than 6 years of praying, she is coming to stay with me for a while and giving me a lil pushing when its necessary… I wont be alone anymore for like a month.. but then, I donno… will I get better??? Will it help me out???? Will I trust her for first time in my life??? After 22 years old I can admit it here I don’t trust her at all but I need her cuz she’s my mom and I love my mom!!! And if I love her then I trust her, but I’ve never talked to her about my feelings, whatever feeling like me, or school , or guys, or anything at all but the things that I wanted… that’s gonna be new and hard at the beginning… but she is gonna give me the strength I need to recover, cuz my friends cant give it to me… and by the way, D is getting better now… finally out of the hospital with another new changes to make things right, she’s gonna be fine cuz she’s not alone and has her bf that love her so much and she has me too…

And who do I have???? She said I have her too… but for how long??? Im all the time worry about the future cuz im scared of it!!! After all I’ve been through… trying to be open and confidant is not easy anymore… at the end they leave or I leave so what’s the point?… better to close us and live like that for the rest of our lifes… anyways… that’s silly but its true, we need to protect ourselves anyhow

PS: im glad I write my posts in English cuz my parents were giving a big ass scoping out on my stuff again… internet huh? U sucks! Cuz there’s not privacy at all… but sometimes u open our eyes knowing that we are not alone after all…

How’s gonna help her soul now?

Once upon a time on a kingdom in a wonderland called “without frontiers” one couple started a story living there their happy ever after… hmmm not happily after all, but less continue..

A and M was a wonderful couple living in a charming wood house, in the middle of the woods less than 30 minutes to the big city, close to an amazing river side and near to an astounded mountain. A was an ecologist, writer and researcher of a wildlife, her researchers was focus on behavior and conservation program of the 3 biggest predators of the mountain, the pumas, the bears and the wolves... she was a nice happy girl, full of life enjoying her work and of course living with her beloved M. M was a physic guy, kinda nerd though but with a huge amazing heart, he recently wrote a book about his field in physics something about the Black Holes and Quantum Chromodynamics, and blah blah blah… This couple also lived with 2 pets, one cat called Milagros and one dog called Arnold, Milagros is the cuties kitty ever, but kinda wild though, she loves hunting on the forest and eating her preys later… and Arnold, the loyal dog ever, he’s all the time so happy when those guy come back home after a hard day of working, sometimes he is so damn happy that he pees on the floor…

Their family lived near as well, A’s parents comes to her daughter once per month and M’s parents (mom and sister) come more often… those guys are a nice couple, are fighters, love to travel a lot and love to live their dreams, there are constants in what they do and in what they want to, love going to the river side to fishing a lil bit sometimes or spend the night watching the stars embracing tidy together, enjoying their house with their pets, they live happy in fact, and I guess it’s all that matters.

Nice place, nice environment, with their families near, and tons of friends around who cares about them and whenever they need their space, they just have it… but as all normal couples sometimes they get their misunderstanding talks and fights as well, but its alright, cuz there are getting more closer and strong all the time, growing up together and dealing and facing the world with good and bad days…

Far away from that kingdom there’s someone watching them all the time, getting forces to fight back a lost war that once she lost, she hates so much that couple, she hates all around, all their success and everything they got… she wants to destroy those guys lil by lil as they once made with her.. she is raising from the shadow with her anger and revenge and in soon she will show up to get what she wants…

In one of their parties time with their friends, enjoying and having fun, they didn’t just notice what was coming, they didn’t expect that coming, they were sure everything was gonna be fine whenever they both are together, but that day, that day they didn’t expect it at all... that shadow girl was there, stronger than theirs and with a black force to get what she wants no matter what.. Carefully all the time, looking at her back, she has learnt from the past how to act and how to move slowly but deadly... Blacktear is her name and was back there to get what she wants, so that day with her tiny silent movements she kidnapped A and made her pay for her suffering, she tortured her to dead with her pass and demons, her anger was so bigger and dark that made her pets feel that energy too… back to the party M was worry cuz A was taking so much time to go back, later they found out she was missing, and all the friends and M were looking for her on the woods when suddenly one of guys found some bloody marks and follow the trails to the end where finally one creepy shout was heard, it was a spooky horrible scene, one body was laying on the floor slaughtering in all possible ways till dead, all kind of animals were there surrounding the body looking at that dead soul praying for mercy .

It wasn’t fear cuz she was a good kiddo who found with claws and teeth for what she had, nothing was ever free or given to her, it was so unfair that dead… but it’s was done and A wasn’t gonna be the only one cuz Blacktear was back to get her revenge and she wanted those two guys A and M dead, so weeks later when M was feeling down for his lost, destroyed and broken she appeared to end her job, she thought it was gonna be easier to kill him now due to his weakness and his furious inside that made turned her on, she just wanted to have fun and enjoy his dead not matters what, besides she was stronger and evil than him, she told to him how she killed A and how she was gonna killing him to drive him more furious and mad, but come on, M was strong as well and willing to fight back to dead with all he had with his anger and destroyed heart, unfortunately Blacktear won again, the evil and stronger bitch killed him too, even though wasn’t as easy as she thought she ended with some wounds and bleeding a lil bit, the lost war was over now.

Blacktear won at the end but it wasn’t the end yet cuz now she has nothing to fight for and she felt empty, she thought killing those guys she was gonna feel better, end her anger and those days of revenge but the true is that it wasn’t over yet.. she felt worse every day since she killed them… she was trapped on her own lonesome world full of darkness and bad days, cuz before when she was getting all her forces, she had sth to fight for and now it was over.. over…

Actually Blacktear is twin of A, and for years she envies her sis for all she had. So after the murder she took over her sister’s house, she kicked out her pets and made that beautiful green land in a dark emptiness land with not life anymore, dead flowers around and not life further… she was getting mad, hearing voices all the time, watching her sister’s shadow everywhere she goes and hearing the noises more stronger killing her ears. Phones ringing, doors bell ringing, ppl screaming on her dreams, alone, with nothing at all to feed her anger again… she was destroyed and miserable, she tried to take the place of her sis cuz she hated her for life, she thought if she killed her maybe she was gonna be like her but not, she was wrong, she always was wrong, she always thought A was responsible for her decision years ago when she killed her beloved MT… she couldn’t live anymore after that lost, she started a creepy life in the shadows trying to get him back for dead… but he was dead, no way to get him back…

Blacktear was in her last breath, last movements, last all… she was dying inside… she lost at the end, actually cuz there was not way to win that war… it was a lost war!!!! She didn’t want to kill herself but she had to do sth… what??? What to do???? Her parents hate her, has not friends, no one to count on, not even pets to talk to… she was all all alone!!!! Literally so even when she didn’t kill herself she knew she was not other option cuz even if she moves another unknown place her past was gonna hunt her on her dreams, on her path, anywhere she goes was gonna be there her past remind her what she did, torture her all the time… but she was stronger, she’s already passed through tons of many other shits in her shorter crappy life, she was supposed to deal with it, however the world wanted her to pay for what she did, too… she deserved all this and even more and that’s what the world was doing, making her pay everything since the first day when she left home and for the murder of her beloved and for the homicide of A and M… she deserved to suffer to dead how she did with her sis

She was feeling forsaken, feeling numb on her dreams and the voices and noises were getting louder and louder every second of a day!!! and chasing her anywhere she goes, and more emptiness days... she was crumble, full of crap, darkness on her eyes, she had no soul anymore, not even the devil want her cuz she was unworthy in any level, she was a waste of time, waste of space… dead or alive she was all the same crap… whatever she did, she was damned to her rest of her days… what to do again????

She finally decide to kill herself due to that whole pressure that was no able to hold on anymore, painless was all she wanted even when she deserved it cuz she’s already suffered enough and still had a lot of shits killing her alive, she just wanted to rest!!! To be free!!!

Not more forces she had, not more inner strength to fight back against her, no more desire to live, nothing to fight for anymore, she was already dead living that nightmare…

She shouldn’t have kill those guys, and MT, by the way, was a mistake, she didn’t mean to do it, it was horrible mistake she carried with her for years and then she was feeling dreadful and powerless watching her sister having all her dreams, all she wanted in life, living her life!!!!! She needed to fight for revenge!!! But she was wrong cuz that life didn’t belong to her at all… she was buried on her crap for years in order not to bother that couple… cuz even when she was unhappy for all the crap she made, she needed to leave her family be happy for once… but she was egotistical, closed-minded, stubborn, never satisfied, that’s why she was always alone, no one wanted to be with her.

Even when some years ago A and Blacktear were one person with different ideas and sides but were willing to help and were sis, full of life, they were innocent but happy, shy but wonderful, and now they both are dead girls…

Blacktear killed her one night without mercy for herself and the world helped her… and the funniest thing is that no one even remembered her at all… she was not history, no past … she was nothing cuz she never was nothing… but A…. A is dead too…

i dont know what to do!!!!!!

i talked to my mom today i told her i need her and she say she was gonna call me everyday til sunday she tells me if she can come or not.... why???? all i needed was a yess baby!! i will go without hesitate to see u!!! cuz i know u need me there... but noooo.. she said she need to talk with my dad about it and for sure my dad wont agree any ways cuz he loves my mom to do him all... and what about me????... she is my mom and if im like this right now its due to those guys... that when i was there they didnt give me the support and love i needed....

and now what????? i got all the pills but im gonna buy more tomorrow... cuz i want more pills.... i dont wanna see the light ever never again.... but im scared at the same time.... but i cant be... i need to be strong just one more time...

and mom wont come, cuz she prefects my dad.... i knew it... im done now.... guess its over now...

and why still ppl reading on my blog and dont say nothing at all... why??? are they waiting just for me to write if i finally did it!?? its amazing that i got some followers waiting for my dead... great... its all i was waiting for...

im not longer alive...

i killed me... or going to...

im already dead in soul, but not in body.... so im preparing my dead now, but it will take a while, though cuz a gd dead need to be prepared with time and take care the chances to get screwed so im working on to be the best perfect ever dead...

nothing else is left... all is lost, broken, destroyed.. back in the 2007, my life still the same crap as that year... what changes??? i dont live anymore at home, no parents, no orders, no fights, no nothings... but sth still the same, i donno how to live or how to deal with me yet... Friends??? well i didnt have any when i was there, and now i got one friend who doesnt understand why i wanna kill me...WHY DEAD???? cuz its over now...

in 2006 i used to have some network friends, one Canadian, one Dominican, another canadianremember... but the "real" confidantes were the two first ones... even though the canadian left me in 2008 and mi manito from RDomin. continues with me till today... he knows everything about me and i called him my talkative dairy cuz besides to write to him he answer me back...

i lost all i have by now, specially my dreams and my desire to live.... before there was sth that hold me on this world that was trying to understand me and finding solutions to have a better life, but the true is never found it and im tired to look for answers now.. i live a life i donno how cuz i have no life, escaping, avoiding situations, fighting with other ppl that has nothing to do with me, living in a mess, or organizing nothing at all just waiting for the next morning to start all over again...

hold on a sec.. i dont like mornings, actually im a angel for the night so i never ever go out at mornings, i dont like the sun, dont like the light, nothing like that.. i love to stay on my room not hearing nothing but the silent... the silent of the morning and night, but 1ooo times i'd rather stay with the last one.

bloody pics???? nah actually nothing compared with what i used to watch or see on network..

my parents once found those pics on the computer, worst ones, though and they thought i was gonna kill them, or whatever different thing i was expected them to say.. it was ppl who wanted to kill themselves, or suicides pics of ppl, and not sadistic pictures... it was there the answers they are looking for now, it was kinda a shout of help me mama and dad, plz.. help me cuz im not fine, but they didnt hear me and i stayed on my own, on my side, keep walking on my lost road lost on my thoughts, on my dreams, my goals, expectations all... i was alone and i still alone waiting for someone to see those things and offer me a hand... but now its too late....

WHAT THOSE PICS have in common????? hmmmm well easy covering my scars... 3 different places in differents times but the same girl and the sames situations... crap... thats really silly.. but true... happens... and happened to me... or is happening, though...

so why again to kill me??? im a waste of time,im a waste of money or everything at all, not even a gd friend or a lover, so why to fight for me?? do i have sth gd inside??? i donno and if i have it, i wouldn't be alone all the time cuz there were ppl believing in me... i dont like to be alone to be honest, i pretend that i like it and i like my space but the true is that not... i end depressed too fast all the time im alone and i think craps lol... bloody craps... i wish i could be different and meet more ppl, but we all know the true...

at the end im gonna end like this, i put for first time this pic in my deleted Hi5 in 2006 and i made a lot of views and i talked with ppl for all over the world that year too... more than 1000 views in less than one month kinda and tons of messages and in one of those message my manito talked to me for first time... comment in another pic for sure but whatever...i met him there...

different times, and the intensity of my thoughts hmmm kinda similar.. but again alone, not friends, not support, no parents around (hearing me), just me and my soul... nice... i've never had some1 to count on... ohh yah my network friends, but they are behind a computer, cant see me, cant help how they would like to if they would like to...

whatever... my tunes are selected, now i need to study some medicines to use and then organized a lil bit my environment...

and what else????? i donno... my headache haven't disappeared yet... my head is spinning again and my scars, yeah like always... remarkable...

ppl always leave huh... yah like me...

and where are those girls now???? well they didnt find the way back home... maybe next time...

at least there is someone believing me in

BUT ITS NOT ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!

... untitled for this crap

my head is spinning and im fighting against me once again!!!!! i donno what i want or what i expect!!!! i still dreaming a dream, that dream where everybody is friend of everybody, ppl look for u and care about u.. and worry about u.... omg!!!!! wake up girl!!!!!

the world is a crap!!!! its bullshit crap!!!! nice for some ppl and a bastard life for others!!!! and when u look around u see it!!! u feel it!!!! and it sucks at the end! why some have fun and enjoy what their have.. no matter how much it is its sth... sth that matter to them and they enjoy it till the last second and it doesnt have to be a big shit, cuz the most beautiful things comes in a crappy lil box!! and i want a crappy lil box too!!!!! i wanna feel it too!!! and i havent feel that in long timeee!!!!!! all the time im pressuring the things, insisting to the end! and sometimes i got it, some other days not!!!!

and why those guy have it all the time????? fun, enjoy themselves so great!

yesterday was a gd example of it! me alone with my soul preparing a nice meal for myself.. nice ingredients, gd food and all for me.. and i wanna invite somebody but who was gonna come??? they all time time busy, tired, with cold.. what kinda friends are that??????? they never worry about me... im invisible! when i was in school too and when i ended school even worse cuz it was like i died there... and anywhere where i go seems to be the same, except in Belem, when ppl still remember me and i was so ungrateful... i hate me for not have take that for granted!!! instead i left them... and now i regreet... and my regrets now means nothing cuz i cant do anything....

what i mean is that i have nice things, big bed, a big room, i big motherfucker closet, a lot of fun inside me, a lot of things to talk about, but no one who i can share with my things... so i dont wanna have nothing at all!!!!! what for?? why to have them???? i cant even use my dress or my shoes... i have to have things but i hate too not to have them, cuz on one way or another i try to find peace with myself when i got them, unfortunately its never enough... and me stil alone...

going back with my "friends" they looks like nice guys, but they are not... they just treat u well when u are there and when u are not... means u are not!!!!

if i wanna kill someone then is gd, cuz wont even see me... but who i wanna kill???

i just kill the guy i wanted and now i have nothing left behind.. im lost.. i kill my dream too the day before yesterday ... i have nothing to fight for anymore... me???? that's a lost war!!!

fighting against me????? im gonna end killing me at the end.. the same forces who's more strong than the other if its the same crappy thing!!!!

i wish i could have a deadly disease so i can fight for truly with all my claws for living....

till i have nothing im gonna let me die.. and no one will fight for me, cuz im alone and im not worthy...

i donno what to do.... MY LIFE IS A MESS!!!!!!!! all is missing is me to go out to have sex with tons of guys or sell my body for money!!!!!! its all is missing!!!... the rest is already there... killing me... every fuckin single day!!!!!

anyone have gun or a car???? or whatever i can use to kill me now??????? its a gd offer, indeed... i can give u money guys in exchange... or do u want sex?????? its ur choice ...

PS: im a really crazy bitch doing sex!