sometimes i wish!

...its like one part of me is missing and even when i try to do a lot of things to forget him for a while, its not possible, he is everywhere i go... he is part of me now! and i hate it! cuz i should have had this experience when i was 16, but not at my actual age!!! i feel like a dumbass!! and i do not see butterflies when i kiss him!! no way!!! (its not at that point!!!) but i love him so much!!!! i guess so! i believe so! and i feel it so! whether if im lying myself with my feelings or not in such point, i donno, but im so scared about tomorrow! cuz i donno whats gonna happen and i donno if this is gonna work.. i dont wanna be pessimist but its my first time sharing my life with someone else.. and today i realize one thing.. i cant trust anybody at all like i do it with him!!! i trust so much in manito D, but its not the same thing.... E is there with me and talking to me personally and not behind a computer! maybe that's one of the reasons i cant live without him and i need him all the time to tell him my deepest fears, but as D one day told me even when she was so full of troubles and tons of crappy things, she never boom his bf with all her things, cuz her bf also had his problems and he cant handle so many things, though .. but i dont agree with that at all!!! cuz couples need to be couples in all sense, helping each other!!! in both sides need to be that!!! ok, that maybe on of them have a worse creepy life ever, is possible and there's when loves comes to manage that point! what is love??? what does it mean and how it works???? helping and trusting and being part of the other and not caring about nothing but the other person and of course! URSELF! but worrying, wishing the best for their partner and helping and giving a hand when its needed! not matter what!! supporting, accepting things we dont like them, but understanding!!! cuz we do love!

i donno why im writing all of this but whatever!!! i wanted to say it!...

i miss him... and i wanna share with him all that happen in my life even when sometimes some things are pointless ou unimportant...

i donno how he thinks about me, or how he feels... he said a lot of kind things but sometimes i dont know if he does it like a compliment, or for being polite, or thoughtful... but does he feel it the same way as I?????

sometimes i think he doesnt.... but what if im wrong and im being so unjust!

im not a secure girl at all!!! and i donno if one day im gonna reach that confidence i need! and im sure due to that im gonna have tons of fight with him... so sad as he says... so sad! but true!

today my parents and i went out again to the mountains, we did hiking or climbing, i knew the place from before, we went there 2 years ago. but this time was more nice, more "green" and then we went to lunch there "duck" and "guinea pig", honestly i didnt like it! ok the meat is fine.. its good, but those animals died due us! it was kinda tough and i couldnt say no cuz my father was already angry and upset about my behavior "my natural way to eat!" kinda new for him! and he does not understand that!! =/ but anyways...

after that we went to ride horses, it was cool!!! not for a lot of time, though but the experience was worthy!!! at least for me!

the day finished fast unfortunately, and tomorrow i have a french test and i didnt study nothing at all!!! lol but i do gonna do a review before to sleep... its not so complicated...

im tired now... i wanted to talk to him but not! cuz i told him i was gonna talk to him on monday!!! so i need to give him his time!!! his space!!! he is gonna end sick of me if i continue like that!

im trying to be cold and not caring about him in all sense!!! i mean i do care but i wont get mad if he takes "years" for answer me back! he does his things too on net... i need to respect that but its hard to accept it!!! so hard!!!!

thats why my painting and tv and dvd is on now when i talk to him!!! so im not so worry about bullshits anymore!!! .... =/

feelings and emotions are temporally i know, but to forget them???? no way!!! they are there all the time... i just need to learn how to control myself in order to have a better time with him and with myself! otherwise im screw up!!!!