hello brazilian fellows

friends or not friends.. acquaintance or not acquaintance, lovers or ex lovers, relatives or not relatives or whomever heck is reading this.. im simply tired and sick of living in this country called BRAZIL.. i truly dont know why im still here! and why do i keep doing sth i dont like it!...

I remember the first time i decided to live in another place but home, i was so "dumb" excited! finally leaving home, my parents, my old life, it was all i wanted to do.. i was so "EXCITED" for my choice that i couldnt keep dreaming about it... but my so desperately unambiguous decision didnt even let me think a lil bit of my options.. the quickest and simple one it was, was the "winner" option... so yah.. brazil came to my mind as a rush and with some help and info of my cousin i finally made it!

okay... no one can change what its already damaged.. or messed up... and especially if someone want to be so frenetically independent, well well well, i guess i needed to be more prepared in all senses such as emotional, personal, racionally meant to be ... its not that i wasnt.. of course i was ready.. well.. in certain point...and i still have a lot to be improved and im doing it, for sure... but there are things i wana to change them, to quit doing them but it seems not to work out... more i try more i screw them up...

its just that i dont like this place anymore!!! i never like it not even in first place! i just wanted to leave and now im so damn stuck here... more 3 years for me to end that course that i dont even know if im gonna work in that in my future cuz "gods" know i will never ever use animals for get any disk on my table... so.. what the heck im doing??? the only thing i know its that i need to end what i started cuz thats the only way my parents are gonna feel proud and realise cuz i will be able to manage myself by my own..

its the only card i got for my freedom... end my university... whatever im studying i need to finish it...

so now im doing this for the good of my parents, what fine...

and for my lucky choice im stuck in brazil for the next 3 years... actually it was supposed to be just 2 years... but i screwed up, so sit and shup up!

all those years away from home i enjoyed them as hell, but not as much as i should, honestly.. cuz hanging out with friends or meet ppl or doing small trips in the city wasnt on my daily plans... they only thing that made me happy was to be away from my parents, (ohh yah perfect daughter all parents dreamt to)

years just passed too fast.. i left home when i was 19 and now... im 22... and i feel im nothing yet...

and im so scared to screw up my life again... i dont wanna stay any longer here.. i wanna leave and live by my own... working and having my own money without bothering my father all the time... and now they know about my mental sickness, in certain point too, they keep talking about it all the time and thats makes me feel even more sick, though....

i donno what to do!!!!!!!! i donno where to stand to!!!! i donno what to do with my life!!!!!

sometimes i "wake up" without sleeping, thinking in ending it up in a rush, but im aware of thats a foolish thought... im not a fool, though but sometimes i act like one....

damned... im all confused.. i need to talk but i dont fuckin know with who... i dont wanna talk actually with no one about it... it will make not sense to anybody cuz they dont live my life!... no one does... i need to find a solution before its too late.. and another day its lost... i needed to do things in the morning and the morning its over now.. actually 5 min to turn afternoon... crap.. im a whole mess!!

i donno what to do i really dont know!!!! i wanna talk with that idiot psychologist but she wont listen to me... what do i do in order she to hear me???? i got that silly idea around my head but no... i cant do it.. i donno... its so xtremelly out of mind... but if i have not choice this time.... ????

omg! what im gonna do?????????