what i am and what ppl want me to be.

would be wonderful if i tear apart all my past and all my memories to the garbage as if nothing have ever really happened.. put a beautiful silly smile on my face and live as happy ever after!... could be so awesome think possitive all the time and see all possibilities in all the new things i do and in the ones are coming up... well.. could be nice too live my present all the time, have fun, enjoy my life how it is, not regrets... bad moments dont need to stay for so long.. and whatever... actually thats how a lot of ppl lives and they are fine.. i mean not fine fine but they dont stuck on their ways, they keep going not matter what...

in my case, things are differents... i live my life with few periods of happiness or enjoying for truly... and those days also, dont stay for too long.. actually fade away easy, and when i less expected they are all gone... its not the first time i lose sth... and wont be the last one either... but its really hard in my case to recover me... one part of me die whenever things like that happens.. make me more strong, more cold, more distance... even though my lesson is learned, things will never go back like before...

i wish i could just pass the page in all sense in everything in my life... ok.. its cool to have memories, to cry sometimes... to laugh at funny moments or remind moments while walking on the street in that special places... but i cant do it all the time.. words, songs, or pages ... i need to let them go, keep them on the past and live my present... its been few months, by now, all that crap happened so i cant pretend i can forget it all easily and faster... i need more time.. it takes more time for me!!! im not like the others.... im not... besides for my physically punishments and my silly desire for not existing that make all decisions i took more harder.... Greeeeat then, why cant i just throw all that crap away and start all over, though???... could be easier for me and for the ones close to me huh....

yah.. but that wouldnt be me... i donno do that.. and when most i try it, most it takes to clear it on my mind..

there is not times machines to bring back the past, or to fly to the place we want to, or whatever like that... we gotta live with our mistakes but come on.. we all know too that when our live its full of mistakes its a full crap though, and to fix them all or start over its not as simples as some ppl say... cuz CONSEQUENCES come with it too... the greatest consequences that tell us we screw sth...

i made a lot of bad choices in my life... first smallers, innocents, and then they started to grow up and become big damn mistakes, just reminds me sth: learnin to live huh...

now im in the middle of all my mistakes, of all my faults i made in life and i donno how to get out of them... for years i've been thinkin all was in my mind and that one day i can get rid of this, but years and years passed out and come on.. i still being the same thing as before... the ways i took suddenly wasnt the right ones... the lights i followed wasnt clear enough to walk with... and i got lost... now im lost... and i donno how to get out....

my life is a mess, everything around me its a mess... i wake up in the middle of a whole mess, first my room, my head, my thoughts, when i leave my room still a mess, when i walk on the street i find more mess so how to clear it!!! ??? im trying... not say i havent tried it...

i fight every day for being better, i fight for having a better day, for learning sth new, for gain a new friend or acquaintance... be a better student, but my effort is not constant... like myself... maybe thats the huge mistake...

i said to me im gonna do it, fine i do it, but for some odd reason i stop, i stuck... and then i fall down into the deep hole... and then suddenly after the radical fall, i stand up again and i start again... and then the circle repeats over and over...

what kind of life is that??? it means im the weakest ever ever person.... i dont have a word not even for myself... how can ppl trust me then??? wait, hold on... actually ppl dont trust me, they never call me, or not even send messages... its all the time me, looking for sth... waiting for answers... for replies... but u know sth.. im sick of it...

im lost yah.. and i hope to not fall into the crappy bullshit pork shit... cuz i will be done that day... so.. im not gonna move any muscles this time to scream aloud IM ALIVEE!! its not fair!!!

few ppl when i had that problem at the beginning of the year show me their friendship... and some of them i didnt even expected it... that was weird... cuz means exist ppl who without really knows me cares about me.... well but i wont misunderstook as well... some of them are being polite or just being curious.... big difference..

but whatever it is, i wanna let u know ppl i wont surrender yet.. i guess there are more crappy shits to move out... and how im gonna handle with all.. i donno.. maybe first taking a huge breath and spitting out into someone face!...